We thought we had time… But life had other plans

It all started very much like the first time… which somehow made me think I knew the way, although it felt a little different. In this adoption process, I experienced a different kind of anxiety, though at the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was feeling.

To begin with, my dream of becoming a mother had already come true, but I carried many internal fears, doubts, and uncertainties going into this new process. I was afraid that somehow we wouldn’t be as lucky as before, and I kept wondering, Will we be chosen again? I worried that this adoption might not happen for different reasons that, in reality, were only in my head.

I had heard that birth mothers almost always prefer families without children… We were already a family of three, so I wrongly convinced myself that if we were chosen, the wait in this process would be much longer.

Once we had that first meeting, the adoption process followed a very similar path to the first one. I was given my list of documents to submit, and I quickly turned everything in. By the end of the month, we were already attending our individual meetings with the social worker.

This time, we were assigned a different social worker than the one who had accompanied us in our first adoption process. From the day I met her, I felt a strong connection. 

She had also gone through an adoption process to become a mother to her daughter, so our meetings felt more like conversations between two moms sharing experiences. 

With coffee in hand, our appointments were warm and comfortable; I felt I could speak more freely.

I remember that during one of those conversations, she asked me a question I still can’t get out of my mind. She looked at me calmly, with paper and pencil in hand, and asked:
“How do you plan to manage your routine with two children, knowing the way you are?”

Her concern came from knowing that with a newborn and a young child, our pace of life would change, it wasn’t the same to have one as to have two.

At the time, I didn’t really understand the question. Honestly, it seemed a bit incoherent to me. What was the difference? To me, it was simple, we’d keep the same routine, except now we’d have a double stroller and two car seats. I told her something like that. I remember she smiled… but didn’t say anything. A while later, I would fully understand that question.

Unlike the first process, where we were asked what kind of parents we thought we would be, this time we were already parents. The questions focused more on the type of parenting we were practicing; we talked about anecdotes and experiences raising our daughter. 

One thing I really liked about this second process was that learning about adoption was no longer optional, it was part of the process. We were given a list of courses and books we had to complete, and in the end, we had to submit summaries of each one.

One change I didn’t like as much was the family profile book. This time we had to do it through a specialized company. Although they tried to adapt to what we wanted, they had their own policies and procedures, and I feel that took away some of the authenticity. 

I had made the first book with so much excitement, choosing every word and every photo while telling our story. This second one felt a little less ours. Even though we sent the information, every paragraph came back with small editing changes, taking away some of the tone we had at that moment.

Three months after our first home study appointment, we had everything ready. All that was left was the home visit from the social worker. During that visit, she would see our home and also have her first meeting with our daughter, who was very excited to tell her what a great big sister she was going to be. 

That’s when I saw them talking in the room, sitting at the little doll table, and I don’t know why, but I suddenly got it in my head that we needed to move. In my mind, the fact that we didn’t have a separate room for the future baby made us less appealing as a family. It felt like our world was built only for our daughter, and somehow I had to show that we were ready to grow our family.

To be honest, it took me a while to convince my husband, but after enough insistence, he had no choice but to say yes, and I started my search. Even though the social worker recommended I not do it, that I shouldn’t complicate things because we already had everything ready, I thought: We still have about two years of waiting… when that time comes, we can update the home study.

Within a couple of weeks, we found our new home. Every room had its owner, and that somehow made me feel calmer. I felt like everything was taking shape. The only small detail was that the house needed some renovations… but once again, I thought the same thing: it’s fine, we have time.

We focused on the paperwork for buying the house, which kept my mind busy during the wait. A few weeks later, in mid-October, the day after we signed the purchase papers, I called the agency to start the process of updating the home study.

And… surprise… When I called and asked to speak to our social worker, the agency’s director answered directly. Before I could say a single word, she said:
“I’m so glad you called! We were just about to call you. Is your husband with you?”

I felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I called my husband and added him to the call… and then we heard the words that would once again change our lives:

“A couple has chosen you to be their baby’s family.”

Only five months had passed since the first meeting… and those words gave our story a brand-new twist.

Grateful to have you here, heart to heart.

Melli