Words matter. They matter when we talk about religion, politics, parenting, relationships, infertility… and of course, when we talk about adoption.
Sometimes we don’t realize it, but the way we express ourselves can reveal more than we think. It can even make someone uncomfortable or unintentionally cause harm.
Since we began our first adoption journey, I’ve heard many phrases that weren’t meant to hurt, but that show how unfamiliar most people truly are with the topic.
That’s why I want to talk about the importance of how we use our words—at least when we talk about adoption.
Because when a family is formed through adoption, words don’t just describe a reality; they honor our children, their biological families, and our own.
It’s not about being “too sensitive.” It’s about choosing words that reflect respect, empathy, and above all, love.
Here are some common phrases, and a better way to express them:
⭐ 1. “They are adopted” vs. “They were adopted”
Without a doubt, the most common question is: “Do they know they are adopted?”
The reality is that my children are not adopted they were adopted..
Adoption was a legal process that happened once and made us a family. It is not a label or an identity.
The correct way to ask would be: “Do they know they were adopted?”.
This way, you acknowledge their story without turning it into their identity.
⭐ 2. “Real parents” vs. “Biological parents”
Another common one: “And who are their real parents?”
I understand the question, but the way it’s phrased can confuse what is really being asked. What they mean are the biological parents.
The correct term is: "And their biological parents?”
Their biological parents will always be part of their story they gave them life. And we are their parents: the ones who care for them, show up for them, and walk with them every day.
No one is “more real” both are part of their story in different, equally meaningful ways.
⭐ 3. “Why did they give them up for adoption?”
This question often carries judgment or pity toward biological parents.
The word “give” makes it sound like a careless act, when it’s usually the opposite: a difficult, loving, and courageous decision.
A better way to ask is: “Why did they choose an adoption plan?”
It acknowledges intention, dignity, and love.
⭐ 4. “Why did you adopt? Could you not have children?”
This question mixes curiosity with a very common myth.
A very common myth is that every family who adopts does so because of infertility. While that can be true for some, it is only one of many reasons.
Families choose adoption for different reasons: desire, family history, infertility, a personal connection to adoption, or simply because it was their path.
And the truth is… the reason doesn’t need to matter. We shouldn’t assume or question such personal decisions, because every story is unique and deeply intimate.
⭐ 5. “Aren’t you worried that…?”
This usually comes with lines like: “…they’ll want to meet their biological family.” “…they won’t look like you.” “…they might have trauma or illnesses.”
I’ve never quite understood why these kinds of questions are asked, especially those about illnesses. But I always respond calmly, trying to educate and raise awareness.
A more thoughtful way to ask would be: “How do you navigate…?” This way the question turns the conversation into one of curiosity and empathy not judgment.
Adoption is a whole universe often reduced to a single word. Behind it are stories, invisible losses, long waits, difficult decisions, and so many forms of love.
That’s why the language we use matters. Because every phrase can either honor that universe… or diminish it.
Over time, I’ve learned that talking about adoption isn’t just about sharing information, it’s about inviting others to see it with new eyes.
To understand that behind every family created through adoption there are intertwined stories: the courage of biological parents, the hope of those waiting to become parents, and the journey of a child who will one day grow up and see how loved they were from both sides.
This is not an invitation to stay silent or avoid asking questions—quite the opposite. It’s an invitation to ask with an open heart. When we understand the depth of these experiences, words stop being “right” or “wrong,” and start becoming a way to truly connect.
If this topic moved you, challenged you, or gave you a new perspective, I invite you to share it.
The conversations that stretch us are the ones that transform us. And the more we speak with honesty and compassion, the more space we create for adoption stories to be told with the dignity they deserve. 💛
Grateful to have you here, heart to heart.
Melli
